He was a wreck.
“Why?”, I asked softly.
And the story began…
“It’s silly really, nothing compared to so many people’s problems these days.”
I told him not to belittle his problems. His pain still counts. It obviously hurts.
“Okay, don’t think less of me for any of this. It really is ridiculous. But I can’t shake the whole thing. . . .
We met randomly. It was an oddly cool summer night. I remember I hadn’t dressed very well that day, pretty scruffy. So I was surprised to have made a lasting impression on this beautiful girl. I wasn’t expecting much more contact, minus seeing her here and there with friends. But then I contacted her. I could not let this one go. Despite my nerves, I made it a point to talk to her and get to know her. She had this mysteriousness about her. This sweet aura that became clearer and clearer the more I was around her. She wasn’t quick to disclose things. I had to ask a lot of questions. As time passed though, I saw the real her. Simple questions brought meaningful stories from her lips. I’m not sure if I enjoyed watching her tell the story more or less than listening to the story. Unexpectedly, and probably unknowingly, she moved her hands often when she was the one talking. It was cute.
Anyways, I thought about her all the time. She quickly became my best friend. The feelings I had held back for a time were finally expressed. Everything seemed so right. So perfect. But hell, who am I to know perfect?
Thankfully, at the time, she felt the same way. I now had a girlfriend whom I adored, and, so I thought, she had a boyfriend whom she adored. Gradually, it seemed as though our relationship was progressing along smoothly and getting better daily.
I knew she was a thinker. I just didn’t think her thoughts would tear us apart. She’d trade breakfast with me for sleep. I thought it was normal, but she traded much for sleep… because she would be up all night, thinking. ‘What if?’s” can kill you. I tried to not follow in her footsteps, I tried not to think about any of it, only the good.
How could one person think their own self apart from the person they had so loved?
Our love was strong. Mine for her was at least. A few months into things, I’d say 4 or 5, I try not to remember the time so much, her thoughts finally got the best of her. She couldn’t look me in the eye anymore. She could hardly be around me. That hurt, a lot. I poured so much of myself into her and into us together.
I know these things happen all the time. I know people breakup all too often. And that’s why I feel so pointless in sharing this, but you prodded and I’ve been meaning to get these thoughts out to someone.
I tried to fix things. I would have changed whatever it was that she no longer wanted in me. I would have changed for her. I would have done anything to look into those hazel eyes and have them look back at me. But despite my efforts, she was too far gone.
I suppose it just wasn’t meant to be. I see this now, though it’s still hard. I still think, almost daily, that the one for me has now come and gone. Am I hopeless? No, I don’t believe so. Maybe, one day after I’ve healed from this, I can commit to someone and actually have them commit back, for good.
I think that’s key though, me healing. I could not even think about putting someone what I went through. And until I’m over this and okay again, I don’t think my whole self could be put into another human, another relationship. I could pretend, but pretending is no good. She pretended, I assume, for awhile. In the end the truth comes out, and it hurts so much more when someone has pretended to be in love with you for so long, only to say they’re not sure they ever really were.
She won’t even talk to me anymore. I think that prolongs the pain for me. I told her I could be friends with her, after I got over the initial shock. of course. I thought she said that could happen. I mean, I did nothing wrong to her. She was the one to hurt me, and even she can’t deny that. But now it feels like I must have done something wrong, something to hurt her in order for her to just ignore me like this. No hellos, unless they’re full of disdain; in which case I’d rather no words exchanged at all.
I forgive her. I’m trying to believe she didn’t really want to hurt me the whole time, and maybe that was never her intention. I’m trying to think that maybe there was a part of her life she never told me. A part too deep and hurtful for her to share. A part she hadn’t healed from yet, and therefore, she couldn’t be with me fully and at peace. Something so big that I even couldn’t be part of her healing.
I’m trying to understand. Somedays I wish she’d just talk to me. Explain herself so I can stop making up excuses for her in my own mind. For awhile, her sleepless nights became mine. I thought of all the possibilities. But that changed nothing and eased no pain. I’m learning to let it go. To move on. It takes time, we all know this.
I suppose it’s just a learning curve, girl.”
I had nothing to say that would make anything easier or better. I thanked him for sharing his hurt, his pain; for sharing it so others can know they’re not alone. In turn, he could know, he’s not alone.
“Everything will be alright.”
I think he believed it. And somehow, I did too.
{-Rads}
