Becoming

And I don’t think I’m ready for you
Yet.
I want to be.
I’m not who I want you to fall in love with.
I have much to learn.
Wisdom to gain, knowledge to come across.
Other relationships to deepen.
How can I expect you to come along soon
when I’m far from ready for you?
I could be passing you by everyday.
You could be across the sea.
Wherever you are…
I’m here.
I am trying.
Trying to be me… trying to become whoever it is I really am… becoming the girl you’ll adore.
Oh, but sweetheart, I am not there yet.
Past the start, moving forward, with a faint image of you in sight… ever so faint.
The time will come and I’ll be ready.
Though, I may not feel ready, we can work things out together.
Because life isn’t all about doing it on your own.
But right now, I’m learning that…
It’s about a journey together, bringing the best out in each other, seeing healing for the worst in each other.
So I wait… I’ll be around, actively pursuing who I am… passively pursuing you.

{Rads}

Where are you?

I run into your friends more than I run into you. That is probably a good thing.
I wondered last night, as I sat two chairs away from your good friend, what it would be like if you were the one sitting in between us. What it would feel like with my hand in yours. After so many months, it was not as hard to imagine as it should be. As the new year is about to begin, summer feels closer than it should.

Where is someone new? Someone to take my mind off of you.
And not just someone I dream up in my mind to take my thoughts off of you. Not just someone I see that never sees me.
Where is someone that notices me, even before I notice them? Where is someone to create new memories and forever rid the old ones? Where is someone who will bring out the best when I feel the worst?

Where are you?
I would like it if you came soon.
I would like it if I did not think about what could be as often as I do. I would like it if what could be, would be now.
But my timing may be terribly off.
So I wait.
Sometimes not so patiently. But I wait. Because what other choice do I have?

I’m waiting.
Please come soon.

We once were

We bought those tickets together. We were sitting at that table there, just across from where I sit as I type this. Now three business men inhabit the same place you and I sat an unbelievable 3 and a half months ago.

I doubt you even remember. You seem to not remember much from those two months.

But regardless, together we sat. Was it that same night I returned from a weekend trip south? Was it before we shared a moment on a patio, a moment you would later confess to feeling nothing from. What a night…

You ordered them. You bought three, two for you and I and one extra. You said your mum might want to come. I still had not met her. And I never did.

You joked about what would happen if we were no longer together. You laughed and said your mum could sit between us. Even then, did you see the end I had no sight of?
You joked a lot. And with the pressure and seriousness you put on relationships, I am surprised as I look back on it all.

Maybe you saw it all along. Maybe you were so back and forth because you knew it was not going to last and you could not decide if you wanted to have some fun or if you would rather end it early and not hurt me anymore.
Hurt. Well, I am doing just fine now.

I’m still going to see him speak tonight. You will be there with two others. I will be there with my two best friends. Maybe I will see you. Maybe I will not. Maybe you will actually acknowledge my existence. But that’s wishful thinking.

You were only in my life for two months. A quick flash of time really. But I feel like the time I had with you, the things I learned because of you during and after our time together, and even now, will continue to echo through my life.

I hope you enjoy tonight as much as I am going to enjoy it. I hope you are well. I look forward to the day we can catch up and be friends.

You need me less than I need you

I do not care to talk about what it is or what it is not. I do not care to explain things to people I’ve talked to. I just do not care to go over this and continue to allow the influence of others shape my thoughts and feelings even more.
I feel as though I talk too much about things that are none of my business to really be talking about. I should listen more.

Anyways…

|||

I do this to myself, often it seems.
I let my mind wander and I take others on the journey as though it is a reality. But it is not.
It is my over analyzation, my reading into, my looking for something that is not there.
It is never there.
It is my own “reality”. But it does not exist. I can assure you. The daydreams I let my mind wander into are far from reality and will more than likely never come close to happening. In a perfect world…

But this is not a perfect world. This is a fallen world and we are all trying to redeem ourselves. We are looking for redemption everyday. We want our friends to redeem us. We want a boy or a girl to look at us in a different way, to think of us highly, to deem us worthy enough to be their best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend. We want to feel wanted. We want to have people think of us as something better than we probably are. We want to show off a life that is probably not what we are really living. We dress this way for their approval. We talk about these things to get that group’s attention.

And when all of that fails, when the hole we are trying to fill only gets deeper and wider… then we turn to or turn back to the One Who truly fills it. The One who can redeem us. The One that wants to redeem us. The One that has redeemed us.

How much more fulfilling to continually look to Him for our redemption. For love, for security, for peace, for value… Rather than looking at him or her to redeem us. Honestly, that is a lot of pressure to put on a human being in the first place. But we do it. I do it. We want their voice, their touch, their desire of us to be enough. It never is. It never will be.

Until He is enough, everything will fall short. Once we take notice that our redemption comes from Him and He is enough even when all else fails… then, we will be fulfilled… then we will be able to enjoy friendships, relationships, ourselves with no pressure.

If things do not work out, it is okay… He is enough. If this friendship does not last… He has already redeemed you. If another boy likes her and not you… He has always been enthralled by your beauty and has always loved you and will continue to.

|||

I have not quite gotten this into my mind. But I write to remind myself.
Here’s to life.
{-Rads}

Over the pond

I came across a photo of you today. It was an accident. I did not want to at the time. I was watching a movie that was not the most uplifting and I was sitting on my bed, alone in my room. Those are not the moments I want to think about you.

I admit there are times I have purposely looked at your social networking profiles. It is the only way I have seen you in a couple months now. I really do hope you are well and living life to the fullest. And I really did want to know how life was when I sent you that message. I may have acted mad to others or as though I did not care when you read it and chose not to respond… but it hurt a little bit. As though something I had done to you was so bad that you wanted nothing to do with me. Not even a simple, cliche response to a sincere message. I tried, I suppose that is all I can really do.

I do not miss the way things were. I sometimes miss the companion, the way things could have been. But it was clearly never meant to be. I certainly do not regret trying. If those times had not occurred I do not think I would be living life the way I am now. I grew during that time, and it was apparent more so after it all had come and gone. I am okay being “alone” for now. I am looking forward to growing. To learning who I really am. I am looking forward to something real one day, yes, but I am okay for now. Something I was not before I met you. And I thank you for the lines you were a part of in the story of my life.

This is not a day I wanted to come across a photo of you. The somewhat painful lump in my throat is proof of that. I do not miss you. I do not even miss the short lived “us”. But for some reason I caught a glimpse of your face on the computer screen at the wrong time. The wrong moment.

I do hope you are well. I do hope you have forgiven me for whatever it is I must have done to you for you to treat me the way you did in the end.

I have forgiven you.

I have moved on.
These are not tears over you or the loss of you in my life. Quite frankly, I’m not sure what these tears are the product of. Maybe it was the movie being home a lot today. Or maybe it is The Album Leaf’s chilling music.

There is much of life ahead.

Part of me hopes that one day, in all the life ahead of me, I may pass you by. I hope it is a peaceful meeting. I hope that we can converse as friends and if all we leave with are high fives or hand shakes, as long as it is peaceful I will be okay with it.

Here’s to the life ahead of me, sans you.
Here’s to the life ahead of you, sans me.

{-Rads}

The bravest thing i have is hope

He said he’s leaving on a Sunday.

But this was Saturday, and her tears flowed down her flustered pink cheeks.

She had time to get over it all. It had been weeks since they officially broke it off. Nonetheless, she held on so tightly to a glimmer of hope that things would go back to the way they were and somehow better than the way they were. But it was a false hope. A false hope that was now letting her down for what would be the final time.

She knew he was leaving the following morning. She knew that by the time she woke up he would be on his way already. She knew that all hope would be officially gone at that moment. The tears flowing now were a sort of mourning for that moment. As if to get it over with now rather than tomorrow.

Still, she hoped for a knock at her door or a phone call or even an email. But none of those would come. It was clear that the hope she held onto had been let go by him when things ended.

It was his idea. The breakup. Though she knew it was inevitable with him moving and all, she still had hope. She still cried when it ended. She still thought about him. She still thought about the way things were. This was all old news really, but her tears were causing her to revisit those moments as she sat there in her empty apartment.

She was hopeful in many things. But it seemed to let her down time and time again. Yet she still hoped. Call it being positive or call it a way of coping, whatever you call it, it was sort of her survival. At times her hope in something was pretty out there, rather fantasy like. It was that hope that would let her down at times. But it was that hope that she smiled about and fell asleep thinking about.
Like I said, she had hope in many things; not just the mending of failed relationships. Her hope in the One that loved her, valued her, and saved her brought her even more hope for everything else in life. She found hope in herself. She found hope in friends. And no matter how much her hope in relationships, in friends, and even in herself let her down; she never stopped hoping in that One.

Now it’s Monday.
The tears stopped on Saturday.
He left on Sunday.
Hope was renewed on Monday.

{Rads}

Middle School

I remember the first boy that liked me. Well, I think he liked me. That or he just wanted to take me to the “Valentine’s Social” for the heck of it. We were in 6th grade. My second year at Lighthouse. We were in Mrs. Shepherd-turned-Duncan’s class. I was pretty chubby, but was learning that most people could look past that and be my friend anyways; even the skinny, popular girls. The Beta Club would put on these horrible Valentine’s Day socials. I was part of the Beta Club, so that was the only reason I ever went and I believe I only attended the following year.

Kenny Bain. I can’t recall the exact spelling of his name, mostly because this was a very one sided liking. And it was all on his side. He was chubby too, so maybe my appearance gave him the impression he’d have a chance. And who knows, maybe if I actually had an ounce of self confidence at that age he would have had someone to go to this pathetic social event with. But alas, I could never fully take people serious about that sort of stuff back then, so I tried my best to ignore it and act like nothing was happening. Or else I’d be the fool who believed it. I think I was outside on the bench by the water fountain. Probably with Ashley or Sarah. It may have been recess or one of the many extended lunches that went all afternoon. Whatever it was, someone told me “Kenny wants to go to the Valentine’s Day social with you”. I was probably embarrassed, though I doubt I showed it. So I ignored it all and probably did a pretty good job ignoring him as well. Which is harder than you think when you go to a school of 150 or less and are stuck in a classroom all day with the same 20something kids. Come to think of it, maybe this was all in 5th grade… That’s not the point. Actually, there really is no point to any of that.

Maybe this: When you lack all confidence in yourself, you’ll never be able to believe someone likes you. You’ll shrug it off and ignore it. Because all you can think and believe is that no one would or could like you, far less adore and love you. So you continue on, never giving guys a thought. You become more like a brother to most of them rather than a prospect, which at that age is better anyways, although being like a sister is probably a better idea. You know you don’t have a chance with these guys, so the closest you’ll get to them is them being like a brother to you. There’s nothing wrong with that, if you have self-confidence and enough self-respect to know that you are worthy of the adoration and love of someone. And it may be in the near future, or you could have lots of quality alone time left. But as long as you know you are worthy…. well, that’s better than all the second glances in the world.

He was wreck.

He was a wreck.

“Why?”, I asked softly.

And the story began…

“It’s silly really, nothing compared to so many people’s problems these days.”
I told him not to belittle his problems. His pain still counts. It obviously hurts.
“Okay, don’t think less of me for any of this. It really is ridiculous. But I can’t shake the whole thing. . . .

We met randomly. It was an oddly cool summer night. I remember I hadn’t dressed very well that day, pretty scruffy. So I was surprised to have made a lasting impression on this beautiful girl. I wasn’t expecting much more contact, minus seeing her here and there with friends. But then I contacted her. I could not let this one go. Despite my nerves, I made it a point to talk to her and get to know her. She had this mysteriousness about her. This sweet aura that became clearer and clearer the more I was around her. She wasn’t quick to disclose things. I had to ask a lot of questions. As time passed though, I saw the real her. Simple questions brought meaningful stories from her lips. I’m not sure if I enjoyed watching her tell the story more or less than listening to the story. Unexpectedly, and probably unknowingly, she moved her hands often when she was the one talking. It was cute.

Anyways, I thought about her all the time. She quickly became my best friend. The feelings I had held back for a time were finally expressed. Everything seemed so right. So perfect. But hell, who am I to know perfect?

Thankfully, at the time, she felt the same way. I now had a girlfriend whom I adored, and, so I thought, she had a boyfriend whom she adored. Gradually, it seemed as though our relationship was progressing along smoothly and getting better daily.
I knew she was a thinker. I just didn’t think her thoughts would tear us apart. She’d trade breakfast with me for sleep. I thought it was normal, but she traded much for sleep… because she would be up all night, thinking. ‘What if?’s” can kill you. I tried to not follow in her footsteps, I tried not to think about any of it, only the good.
How could one person think their own self apart from the person they had so loved?

Our love was strong. Mine for her was at least. A few months into things, I’d say 4 or 5, I try not to remember the time so much, her thoughts finally got the best of her. She couldn’t look me in the eye anymore. She could hardly be around me. That hurt, a lot. I poured so much of myself into her and into us together.

I know these things happen all the time. I know people breakup all too often. And that’s why I feel so pointless in sharing this, but you prodded and I’ve been meaning to get these thoughts out to someone.

I tried to fix things. I would have changed whatever it was that she no longer wanted in me. I would have changed for her. I would have done anything to look into those hazel eyes and have them look back at me. But despite my efforts, she was too far gone.

I suppose it just wasn’t meant to be. I see this now, though it’s still hard. I still think, almost daily, that the one for me has now come and gone. Am I hopeless? No, I don’t believe so. Maybe, one day after I’ve healed from this, I can commit to someone and actually have them commit back, for good.

I think that’s key though, me healing. I could not even think about putting someone what I went through. And until I’m over this and okay again, I don’t think my whole self could be put into another human, another relationship. I could pretend, but pretending is no good. She pretended, I assume, for awhile. In the end the truth comes out, and it hurts so much more when someone has pretended to be in love with you for so long, only to say they’re not sure they ever really were.

She won’t even talk to me anymore. I think that prolongs the pain for me. I told her I could be friends with her, after I got over the initial shock. of course. I thought she said that could happen. I mean, I did nothing wrong to her. She was the one to hurt me, and even she can’t deny that. But now it feels like I must have done something wrong, something to hurt her in order for her to just ignore me like this. No hellos, unless they’re full of disdain; in which case I’d rather no words exchanged at all.
I forgive her. I’m trying to believe she didn’t really want to hurt me the whole time, and maybe that was never her intention. I’m trying to think that maybe there was a part of her life she never told me. A part too deep and hurtful for her to share. A part she hadn’t healed from yet, and therefore, she couldn’t be with me fully and at peace. Something so big that I even couldn’t be part of her healing.

I’m trying to understand. Somedays I wish she’d just talk to me. Explain herself so I can stop making up excuses for her in my own mind. For awhile, her sleepless nights became mine. I thought of all the possibilities. But that changed nothing and eased no pain. I’m learning to let it go. To move on. It takes time, we all know this.
I suppose it’s just a learning curve, girl.”

I had nothing to say that would make anything easier or better. I thanked him for sharing his hurt, his pain; for sharing it so others can know they’re not alone. In turn, he could know, he’s not alone.

“Everything will be alright.”

I think he believed it. And somehow, I did too.

{-Rads}

Overly committed

I read my good friend’s blog this afternoon. Go ahead and read her post below. Then maybe, if you still want to, read what I’m about to write.

I’m the opposite. I am not afraid of commitment, at least not that I know of yet. Maybe it’s somewhere inside of me, and the fear hasn’t risen to the surface yet. Though, I doubt that, as it’s had several chances to surface through a couple relationships.

But like I said, commitment- I want that. I want a person to be committed to me. I want to be committed to another person. And maybe that just makes me sound lonely or needy. But I don’t think that’s the case. Yes, we all know I was a little desperate not too long ago. However, for what may be the first time, I’m okay with my singleness. I’m okay with not settling on just anyone so as to not be alone.

Again with the commitment:
I’m all for jumping right into it. You- my boyfriend. I- your girlfriend. And we’ll see where it goes. Of course, I am for being friends first. At least knowing the person for a bit of time. But then again, I’ve always thought about it being the right time. Just clicking with the person.
So basically… I don’t know.

Not how it went last time. A lot of unsure feelings. A lot of regressions. A complete lack of commitment. I know people have pasts that prevent them from being able to totally commit or trust someone. But if the person’s right, it should eventually become easier for you to commit, to trust.

I realized I don’t like dating. I don’t want to go out on multiple dates with you, just to date you so we can see if we like each other. I don’t want to drag something on that is never certain. I don’t want to “date” you for any length of time if a relationship is never going to become of it. I realize it is important to know the person before jumping into a relationship, but I think that can be achieved by friendship. Then, if things don’t work out, even after a relationship, you can at least still be friends, if it ends well. But if all you ever do is date then it would be much harder to form a friendship after you end the dating or relationship. This I know.

I think I’m too quick to be committed to someone. I was committed to my first boyfriend. Quite possibly way too committed. I gave him every opportunity to spend time with me. I offered to pick him up anytime. Get anything for him. It was a very immature relationship. I’m not sure how I let myself get into it, but I did, and I learned from it.
The last relationship.. I was always willing to drive to see him. Stay late at his house knowing I had an hour drive ahead of me. I put him first, in my mind. I wanted the best for him.
While those are petty commitments compared to true, intense relationship commitments; I still don’t think I’m afraid of commitment. I wasn’t given the chance to be very committed in past relationships because they ended before I got the chance. Although, I was, as far as I thought, committed to those people from the beginning. And even though they didn’t last relatively long, well, it was just better that they didn’t…

I started this three days ago, I think.
Maybe my thoughts will make more sense on my next post.

Love and Clouds,

Rads

Love your neighbor as yourself

The following was written during Sociology class. I normally love the class, but we have an incredibly boring substitute, so I wrote in my journal instead of paying attention (if this doesn’t quite belong here, Cari can remove it):

Love is what I need to write about. And somewhat want to write about. But it doesn’t seem to be coming to me. I had this whole blog thing in my head. But when I went to write it, it wasn’t coming back to me. Maybe my mind was just too full of other things last night. Maybe. Either way, it will be written, just a matter of when… Now seems like a good time.

If we don’t love ourselves, we can’t expect to fully receive love from others (friends, family, boyfriends/girlfriends, God, etc.)

I used to not love myself. I was fairly overweight. I wore jeans and t-shirts everyday, which were oversized. I carried a jacket throughout the year, as though it would hide the fat. I’m no skinny mini now, by any means. But a confidence that was always lacking is now present. I’ve learned to love myself. A healthy love, not a vain love. I say learned as though I’ve got it down, but honestly, it’s a daily thing. I’m constantly learning, struggling daily to love myself- to love my neighbor as myself.

It happened a few years ago. I as in 11th grade when I decided to start taking better care of myself. It was the beginning of physical health (exercise+eating healthy= weight loss) and also mental health (bettering my relationship with God, reading, etc).

It was around that time I first read Blue Like Jazz. Like most of Don Miller’s books have been for me, Blue Like Jazz proved to be somewhat life-changing. Towards the end of the book he talks about love and more specifically loving yourself. He goes on to say that he was in a relationship with this girl. Things seemed to be going well for them, but there was this constant hindrance. No matter what she said, he couldn’t fully accept her love and she could tell. They ended up breaking up (because of this).

Not long after that Don was cleaning the bathroom when those little voices started going off in his head. Those little voices that put yourself down, the constant voice of negativity, self doubt, and so on. But on that day Don felt God telling him to “love your neighbor as yourself“. But instead of just thinking of that statement as treating others well, he thought about how he treated himself. He wouldn’t treat others the way he treated himself. He wouldn’t talk to others and put others down the way he did to himself.

That’s when it hit me, or rather, began hitting me. I hadn’t really loved or accepted myself. I didn’t like who I was and liked even less how I looked.

After two months of traveling, I really started changing and growing. It was the fall of 2005. I bought clothes that weren’t the normal oversized t-shirts and pants. I did my hair. I was learning to love and accept myself, but had a long way to go.

During all of this, a boy liked me. The first boy to like me, that I knew of. It took time and the convincing of friends to believe that he did. And then I settled. I let myself get stuck on this boy, that in retrospect I didn’t really have much of a connection with. But I was stuck, and I waited around for him. I hadn’t quite been able to fully love myself or accept myself, and much of that still relied on others. I let my emotions be tied to someone else. I let my confidence, happiness, sadness, and so on be dependent on another human.

Don’t do that. That’s a lot of pressure to put on some one else. We’re human, we’re going to let others down, whether we want to or not. If your emotions are tied to someone else, your life will be an out of control, emotional roller coaster. And that is how my life was for almost a year. I certainly can’t only blame him, because I put myself in that situation. Sometimes you have to own up to your mistakes. Not to regret them, but more so to learn from them. I shouldn’t have put myself in such a situation, but I did.

I was happy when I got a text message. I was down when I never saw him. Up and down. Totally tied to someone else, forgetting to first and foremost love and accept myself. [The only One our emotions and love should be tied to is God, of course. Even in our inconsistencies, He is consistent and our Constant.]

I didn’t first love myself. Subsequently I couldn’t completely accept his love (or His love or friends’ love). Of course, it wasn’t truly love, but that’s that.

Eventually, after way too much time, it ended with the boy. Luckily I was able to look back and learn and grow from it. My emotions were no longer dependent on someone else.

It’s about learning who you really are and allowing yourself to be who you are. It’s about growing and learning. It’s about loving yourself and being at peace with who you are. It’s about being alone and still okay. It’s about surrounding yourself with people who love you and will challenge you. It’s about taking chances and getting past your fears. It’s about loving and accepting others.
The it is l i f e.

When you love yourself and learn to be yourself, it results in confidence and peace.
Learn to love yourself. It’s a constant process. But don’t put that pressure on some one else, on a boyfriend or a girlfriend. there is no way another human will have enough love to never let you down and give you that confidence or love you’re lacking. Don’t look for love, or confidence, or acceptance, or validation from a relationship. Love and take care of yourself first, it will make for a much more beautiful relationship.

-Rads